Maybe you have a shadow, a velcro-baby, or a mini-me who follows you around no matter where you go. And as much as you love your child, sometimes it would be nice to just go to the bathroom by yourself, or put on a load of laundry without 100 questions.

Getting your child to play independently is not only a benefit to you (hello cup of morning coffee ☕) but also a benefit to the child. They can learn problem-solving skills, as well as learn to tolerate being separated from you for short periods of time, and even move to [QUIET TIME] as they drop naptime. These are all important milestones as they get to school-age.

I have two kids in the 0 to 6 range. I was a classroom teacher for over a decade. I’ve seen a wide range of children: from the “I can do it, I don’t need any help,” to the “I can’t find my pencil!” –spoiler alert: it was in their hand.

The secret is much like learning talk, sit, walk, independent play is a skill that needs to be taught and nurtured.🧸

What is Independent Play?

Independent play is a child entertaining themselves without you directing, narrating, or problem-solving for them.

Independent play is not:

❌ Ignoring them

❌ A punishment

Think of independent play as a scale. There may be at one end of the spectrum, the child who has trouble playing even for 5 minutes by themselves, and on the other end of the spectrum a child who is so content to play alone it’s difficult for them to socialize and play with others.

My goal is always balance and moderation. Maybe we can get that 5-minute child to 30, 40, or even 60 miuntes of independent play over time. And maybe the child who always wants to play by themselves might come around to playing tag on the playground over time.

We Are Social Creatures

Humans are meant to be social. We are meant to live with other people, spend time with other people, communicate with other people. We are not wired to be by ourselves… Which is probably why I still have a hard time going to eat lunch out by myself.

Not only that, children have other considerations that make playing independently a challenge:

• Age: Independently play for an infant might look like them watching you from a high chair or playpen while you make dinner. They aren’t really “playing” by themselves yet. More just observing quietly from a distance.
• Unwilling, not unable: If you’ve never asked your child to play independently, you shouldn’t expect them to know how to do it without teaching them.
• Separation anxiety: This might look more like a complete meltdown when you ask them to go get their shoes from one room while you stay in another. It might also look like them clinging to you for dear life when you try to put them in their room for nap or [QUIET TIME].
  
  Separation anxiety is hard for children (and parents) to overcome. Many tears were shed from this mama dropping her unwilling toddler at daycare 😭. But for independent play there is hope! They can come with you, but instead of insisting on folding laundry or unloading dishes, they can play with their toy quietly in the kitchen beside you.

How to Teach Your Kid to be Independent

I encourage you not to sit your child down with a pile of blocks, tell them they are going to play while you make dinner, and walk away.

Teaching independent play actual happens through natural moments in the day, that you can eventually build on once your child is comfortable with:

☑️ Being apart from you for a few minutes

☑️ Being bored for a few minutes

Here are some examples of teaching those two building blocks to your child:

• A short car ride: with no music, tablets, talking, or toys. Just watch out the window, and listen to the sounds.
• An errand: where they just sit or stand and observe what you’re doing.
• A chore: “You can come with me while I unload the dishwasher, but today mommy is going to do it herself. You can watch.”

Small, frequent reps over a few days or a week is key. Soon your little one will be “watching raindrops race each other” on the car window, imagining “princesses and fairy godmothers” while you’re brushing your hair, and decide to run off and play on their own instead of watching to unload the dishwasher again.

How to Teach Your Kid to Play Independently

Once your little one is comfortable being bored out and about, and sufficiently over how many times a day the dishwasher needs to be unloaded (why are there so many dishes!? 🫩), you’ll notice them start to naturally separate from you into independent play mode.

This might look like:

• Talking about imaginary stories to themselves while in a shopping cart or carseat
• “Playing” with no toys, just their bodies and imaginations while you run the house
• Or, if you’re a lucky one, they may choose to just go find their toys and :gasp: play by themselves. Note: This is rare.

But once they have separated into their imaginary world they are ready for that quiet playtime! And now is your chance to read your book, make that phone call, scroll your phone, or whatever else you’ve been wanting to do!

Here’s how to make it happen:

1. Set a timeline: “After lunch, mommy needs to go fold the towels, but I’ll get some toys out for you to play with while I do that.”
2. Give a reminder: “We’re almost done lunch, remember mommy is going to fold towels while you play.”
3. Follow through with guidance: “Mommy is going to go fold the towels, you are going to stay here for 5 minutes and play with your X,Y,Z. If you need me, come and find me.”
4. Don’t be discouraged: The first few times you do this will likely be as pleasant as the first few “silent car rides” 😬. They will come find you. But keep your cool and redirect them. “Mommy is still folding towels, did you want to go play with X,Y,Z or do you want to bring them here and play beside me?” Over time, they will stop coming. I promise.
5. Extend the time frame: Once you’ve mastered a 5-minute task, set your sights on 10, 15, 20, or even an hour! The sky is your limit. My kids routinely play independently during [QUIET TIME] for about 2 hours and 45 minutes every day.
6. Accept setbacks: They watched a scary movie. Their friend told them something upsetting. They are sick and not feeling well. Any number of things might come up to set you back on their independent play. Just keep your cool, and you can always go back to the building blocks like quiet car rides, errands, and chores for a day or two until they remember “hey, it’s more fun to go play!”

Having the Right Toys for Independent Play

I am a huge believer in [TOY ROTATION]. It keeps the toys tidy-ish for parents, and makes all of the toys feel brand new for the kids each time it happens.

Brand new toys= a lot more attention span for independent play!

Another recipe for more independent play? A wide variety of types of toys. I’ve identified [11 MAJOR TOY CATEGORIES] and keeping a big mix of toys available will lead to significantly more independent playtime.💜

Facetime: The Key to Success

If we’re asking our kids to play independently, we need to offer them uninterrupted face time with us at some point during the day as well. Afterall, we are their whole world.

Parents should dedicate at least 15 minutes a day per child to do whatever their hearts desire. Play make-believe, do a craft, paint each other’s nails. Whatever!

It just needs to be 15 uninterrupted minutes. No, “let me check my email real quick,” “oh, I forgot to send that picture to Nana, let me do that now,” or any other interruptions from our phones, work, friends, or family.

Frequently Asked Questions

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